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__________ __________ _________ ________
|_______ | | ______| | _____ \ | ____ |
/ / | [____ | | \ \ | | ||
/ / | ____| | \_____/ | | |
/ / | [______ | __ ___/ | | |||
/ / |________| | / \ \ | |___||
/ / |_/ \_\ |______| __
/ /__________________________________________________] \
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]_/
The Textfile of Lore
Written by Mike Shapiro
(C) 8742 Zerg Adventurers' Guild
(Corresponds to Game Version: 1.0)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* I N T R O D U C T I O N *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Zerg Tourists Guild extends the most fervent welcome to any soul who
would journey in our humble world, and in a tax-deductible fit of altruism,
we have published this guide for your exploratory pleasure. Heed its words
well, oh noble adventurer, lest your carcass rot in the gullets of the less
culinarily discriminating denizens of our fair land.
Read on, adventurer! And learn...
PART ONE: THE WORLD OF ZERG
Zerg is a fantastic and magical world, spanning endless leagues full
of idyllic wilderness, the surface of which Mankind has truly only scratched,
owing both to Zerg's inherent dangers, and Man's inherent incompetence. Indeed,
as the elvish Tralbinorian philosopher Meraedin sagaciously observed in the days
of yore, "Methinks it a rare and oft amusing circumstance when a Human doth
succeed in distinguishing 'twixt his face and his posterior." Yet despite
petty squabbles, political wars that have decimated entire towns, disease,
starvation, hostile magic, and roving bands of monsters that plague the
various lands, Mankind still manages to build towns, establish armies, form
factional governments, and generally attempt to civilize things.
There are many different kingdoms spread around the continents of Zerg,
each with its own cities, towns, dungeons, characteristics, and population.
Each shall be dealt with individually anon. No one emperor has managed
to establish himself as Overlord of all the various nations since the days
of Kvileek the Auspicious of Sparadan, although many have tried. The state
of affairs between kingdoms varies from cordial goodwill to cordial war,
and many adventurers owe their fame to the peculiarities of Customs at the
frontier of certain kingdoms alone.
PART TWO: THE GEOGRAPHY OF ZERG
An uprising adventurer should verily familiarize his, her, or itself
with the various types of terrain in our pleasant world.
Water - The oceans are just full of this stuff, and the torrential
waves of the Three Seas have seen the demise of many well-
stocked merchant vessels. No man has crossed any large body
of water unaided, which is damned obvious, methinks.
Grass - The knotty green carpet that blankets many of the kingdoms is
easy travel, and serves as grazing material for one's mount,
as well as other offices, which has seen the ruination of many
a pair of adventurer's boots.
Light Brush - Denser than grass, but only a moderate impediment to
open travel, the thick under and overgrowth of Zerg
houses a variety of specimens of wildlife, most of which
are too small to be of notice.
Forest - Many adventurers have lost their way amongst these tall, shady
oaks, which is a good indication of the intelligence of the
average adventurer, for the trees that comprise the wild
forests of Zerg tend to be scanty and sparse, save in certain
regions well-suited for the growth of flora.
Mountains - Impassable for all but the most rugged of Trolls, who make
their homes in these airy peaks, the Mountains of Zerg
make convenient natural boundaries for many kingdoms.
Lakes - Home to many inland freshwater fish, the lakes of Zerg are
serene and undisturbed by the tides. Some lakes, such as
Lake Forinthia, located in southeastern Durollinae, are
notorious tourist traps.
PART THREE: THE INHABITANTS OF ZERG
While the type and size of a given populace will vary from kingdom to
kingdom, the stock of intelligent life on Zerg has been systematically
analyzed and categorized. Note that the humans and humanoid races tend to
classify living things as either People or Monsters, whilst the monsters
themselves classify beings as either Other Monsters or Food.
Using the classification system developed in 8122 by the biologist
Tailailio of Tralbinor, we shall briefly look at each type of known race.
HUMANOID RACES:
Humanoid races all share the same general appearance -
two arms, two legs, upright stature, prehensile thumb, and other
traits - although they come from radically divergent evolutionary
origins. That the grouping is called "humanoid" is an irony, when
one considers that the humanity is the youngest of these races.
The name in all likelihood owes to the fact that the author of the
Tailailioan system was a human.
Humans - The first recorded human sighting occurred in the
year 7201, according to elvish textbooks, and since
then this relatively young enterprising race has
managed to pervade all but the most hostile areas
of Zerg. Humans are strong, arguably intelligent,
and largely considered to smell unpleasant. It is
virtually impossible to travel in Zerg without
encountering humans or their settlements, and most
intelligent creatures know human as a second
language.
Elves - Last of the ancient Elder Races, the elvish people
differ from their human counterparts in being on the
whole much slighter of build, more intelligent, and
in possession of a sense of tact. Sometimes reaching
a thousand years of age, the typical elf's natural
agility and magical aptitude lend themselves to making
him an excellent spellcaster, and few mages' guilds
discriminate against elves in their admissions
procedures.
Dwarves - Thought until the advent of Parsollian Biology to be
a diminutive mutation of the Gosakk'l Elder Race
(long since disappeared), the dwarves tend to be
short of height and temperament, and prone to fits of
fervid dourness. Few dwarves engage on adventures, or
other pursuits outside their small hilly communities.
Halflings - Called hobbits until the Great Tolkien Lawsuit of 8244,
these stout, diminutive (3 feet tall on the average -
slightly smaller than the average dwarf) and often
mischievous folk are contemporarily known as "the
little people", "brownies", or, more accurately,
"gluttonous little rats". They are often mistaken
for gnomes, a fact the latter resents keenly. Most
halflings live peaceful, rustic lives, and the more
industrious ones will serve on human manors as
farm managers.
INHUMANOID RACES:
The term "inhumanoid" is a loose classification that
pretty much encompasses all known intelligent, non-humanoid
(note that most inhumanoids hold that the two preceding
adjectives are mutually inclusive) non-magical, four-limbed
races that populate the kingdoms of Zerg. Many are generally
hostile to humans and their ilk, and are generally not
considered good people to hire as babysitters.
Kobolds - Cunning, intelligent, ferocious, and adept at most
forms of hand-to-hand warfare these creatures are
not at all. In fact, were it not for their natural
speed and general propensity not to attack creatures
who aren't tied up and asleep, it is dubious that
the world would know the mischief of a single kobold
today. Kobolds are pack-oriented, and usually attack
as ambush squads, pelting unwary travellers with
stones and verbal abuse from above before dropping
in for the cul-de-sac. Physically, they resemble
extremely short and thin scaled elves or humans, with
prehensile tails and vaguely canine faces. They
carry little gold or treasure, not being intellect-
ually advanced enough to have a grasping of the concept
of economics, and often wonder what the big fuss is
about.
Orcs - It is a tribute to the minds of the orcish race that
they have relentlessly avoided extinction despite
being the butt of the violent aggressions of
adventurers in nearly every fantasy role-playing
game known, yet despite this orcs remain almost
distressingly stupid. Tall, strong, brutish
creatures with the strength of an ox and minds to
match, they are often employed by evil human
warlords as soldiers, due to their inability to
grasp the concept of death. (Indeed, the armies of
Forzin of Gondrick's Continental Crusade were
almost entirely composed of orcish regulars, and
were sadly obliterated by the superior Sparadan
forces.)
Goblins - Although not terribly strong, or bright, goblins
have a high population, and therefore manage to
survive and propagate the kingdoms of Zerg in
spite of their physical inferiorities. Goblins
are short in stature (about as high as dwarves)
and survive primarily in nomadic tribes. They
are most common in plains or area of light forest.
Hobgoblins - Somewhat bigger, meaner, and less pleasant to
talk to than conventional goblins, Hobgoblins will
often bully their lesser cousins, and are viewed
by the latter with slightly less warmth than are
dead skunks (who at least are considered to have
some culinary value).
Ogres - The only challenges to the widely-held view that the
orc is the least intelligent of all species of Zerg,
ogres stand at least 10 feet tall, and are fierce foes
in battle. Iracundulous and belligerent, ogres will
attack humans on sight, along with anything else.
Being extremely ravenous by nature, an ogre will
generally attempt to eat anything that looks vaguely
organic, a definition which sadly includes trees.
A traveller visiting the forests of the Dierian
province of Chork can often admire a variety of
interesting art sculptures which are actually nothing
more than Toopa trees that have been more aesthetic-
ally mauled by hungry ogres.
Giants - Sluggish and dim-witted, giants are simply humanoids
who, through some strange hormonal imbalance,
achieve heights averaging from anywhere from 30 to
200 feet tall. They are not a true race among them-
selves, and thankfully cannot reproduce, yet appear
frequently, and share common characteristics that
are presumably side-effects of their wretched
state. They are of incredibly slow metabolish, and
typically awkward, and therefore easily evaded.
Still, when provoked, a more powerful giant can
level a small village within seconds. Many
survivors of the obliterated town Collindamaine
will attest to the might of giants.
MONSTERS:
The generic term "monster", (deriving from the Old Elvish word
"monestaeri", which roughly means "he who inspires rapid flight")
was applied to inhumanoids as well as members of certain
nationalities that bathed irregularly, but was restricted to signify
those living creatures that did not classify as humanoid or
nonhumanoid under the Tailailioan system.
Trolls - These horrible creatures should be avoided at all
cost, and were it not for their scarcity and natural
reclusiveness, the entirety of Zerg would likely
serve as one big troll dinner plate. Described by
one famous sage as "thin and rubbery", trolls have
a characteristic immunity to all but the nastiest
weapons, fire, and certain spells. They furthermore
possess the power of Regeneration, and can grow back
a severed limb within minutes, or shrug off a sword's
welt within seconds as it closes on its own accord.
Highly intelligent, they are often employed by lesser
demons as advisors, servants, or accountants.
Gargoyles - Creatures of magic, extremely fierce and intelligent,
gargoyles are presumed to derive from a lesser
stock of demons. When not engaged in their odious
practices, they sometimes assume a characteristic
frozen stance that often leads unwary adventurers
into the false assumption that they are statues.
This is ostensibly just fine with gargoyles, who
enjoy a crunchy human from time to time to
supplement their diet of tortured ethereal souls.
Demons - Supernatural denizens of the netherworld, these
ghastly creatures hail from regions such as Hell,
Hades, Tartarus, and Chicago. Entire platoons have
been known to turn and scamper for home at the
terrible sight of an angry demon. They possess
magical abilities that have baffled the most learned
of sages, and are impervious to all but the mightiest
of forces. They are extremely rare on this plane of
existence, popping by only for brief, purposeful
missions of diabolical nature before fading into the
ether of their own universe.
Dragons - It is a queer fact that the mightiest of creatures -
the dreaded dragons - are not of supernatural origin,
but are quite native to Zerg. Dragons are an ancient
and majestic race with a history dating back to the
dawn of time (and thus are more closely related to
the elvish peoples than others), and indeed, those
few dragons that roam Zerg today are often centuries
old. The numerous tales of valiant warriors
infiltrating the lairs of dragons, slaying their
occupants, and making off with their considerable
bounty, and perhaps a fair maiden or two, are little
more than ravings of warped imaginations. Dragons are
simply not to be trifled with, period. Valiant
warriors? Valiant ARMIES often can't put a dent in the
armored hide of a dragon, and a dragon can decimate
large cities with a geyser of flame from its mouth
(as did the dragon Greymaxanan to the Jerian city
Tei Alinoe in 8230). The intellect of a dragon will
dwarf all others' save the greatest of demon lords,
who do not venture onto this plane, and thus they can
be considered the most intelligent creatures on
Zerg. Trying to trick a dragon is the next idiotic
thing to attacking one. Still, mighty wizards under
great magical protection occasionally beg a dragon
for its council on some pertinent matter, and a
dragon will often comply, when offered sufficient
treasure to compensate for the bother of speaking
to such insignificant creatures. (It is said that
dragons not only know the meaning to life, but are
bored by it.) Dragons are by nature utterly self-
interested, shrugging off concepts like good and
evil as the pathetic propensities of insects. Dragons
have a fondness for treasure - gems in particular -
although it is generally not known why. Fortunately
for everybody else, dragons are extremely few in
number, and their locations are carefully kept
track of by most kings, who insure that dragons
and their territories are given a wide berth.
PART FOUR: THE KINGDOMS OF ZERG
The kingdoms of Zerg are organized societies in which people may co-
habitate with somewhat less the amount of conflict, deceit, corruption,
and outright war than do those residing in different kingdoms. The forms of
government and histories of the kingdoms vary so widely that another section
of this Textfile is given to that discussion. As of this publication, over
thirty different kingdoms are known to exist.
There are, however, certain institutions that are common even amongst
greatly differing cities, and a prospective adventurer would best familiarize
his or herself with them.
Homes - Ranging from weather-beaten hovels to the most elegant
of mansions, public and private housing for the lower
classes is a feature of nearly every city (save some
in Sparadan, where lodgings are under the jurisdiction
of the military). Residents will sometimes welcome news
from the outside world, and an adventurer might even be
offered shelter for a night in exchange for some
inter-kingdom gossip.
Taverns/Pubs - The number #1 form of recreation in most cities (for
adult males, in any event) seems to be the spending of
many an hour in these hostels of crapulence and inebriation.
'Twould seem that the corollary arts of imbibing much ale,
singing loudly, hurling epithets, and the gradual loss of
consciousness are of no slight popularity either. During
the less dipsomaniacal hours of the day, however, one may
obtain food and drink in such establishments, and often
some local gossip from a loquacious bartender as well.
Weaponsmiths - Here one may purchase with one's hard-earned gold the tools
of the delicate art of Slaughtering Others. While the
quality, price, and assortment of weapons will vary from
locale to locale, one can generally sell his used arms
of any type in such establishments (albeit for a lesser
price.)
Armories - When in the midst of battle, many an adventurer will ask
of himself why so many arrows seem to be protruding from
his back, and why the orcish swords seem to be cleaving
apart his torso like butter. Had he purchased a suit of
protective armor from a local armory, chances are he
would not be in such a plight. Do yourself a favor
and preserve your paltry existence with some form of
protection, purchasable in such places.
Healers - Ranging from professional magiphysicians who can raise
the dead with a thought to primitive witch doctors who
more often than not make the afflicted's condition more
severe, healers are nonetheless excellent finds for the
forlorn adventurer with one too many lacerations from
poisoned arrows in his abdominal region. In relieving you
of your injuries, healers are equally inclined to relieve
your purse of much of its weight, and paupers are scoffed
at vociferously by this parsimonious creed.
General Stores - While most of the fare vended at such establishments are
mundane, domestic things, and useless to the average
adventurer, there are often many items of genuine value
as well. A well-stocked general store may have magical
items of minor power for sale as well.
Banks - Excellent places of residence for the adventurer's excess
accumulations of cash, the major banks have outlets in
many cities, and often in different kingdoms as well.
Some of the wealthier banks offer hearty interest upon their
investments. Many will often lend money as well, but it
is good to keep in mind that usury has only been abolished
in the kingdom of Dieria.
Guilds - Rumored to exist in dense cities, these infamous coalitions
of thieves and brigands reputedly exert more than a moderate
influence upon many local governments. Reputedly, much
information can be gathered at such establishments as well.
For a price...
Inns - These comfortable hostels tend to afford one excellent
shelter from the various elements, and often sport a
pub or tavern as well. Beds should be inspected for lice,
however.
PART FIVE: COMMON PROFESSIONS
While the populace of the various kingdoms enjoy many different positions
and professions, there are again many which are axiomatically common to most
cities, and therefore, the Zergian traveller should well acquaint oneself with
them.
Adventurers - Stalwart souls like yourself, sharing your love for
the unknown, disturbing inclination towards danger,
and tendency towards early death. Adventurers range from
trembling neophytes taking their first steps in a
new kingdom to jaded trollsquashers bearing magical
treasures beyond imagination, and seething with useful
information. Adventurers in general tend to rarely
taste solvency, and a heavy purse will oftentimes
elicit heavy talk.
Fighters - Specializing in the fine art of Slaughter-
ing Others, fighters are adventurers skilled
with arms and armor. Like all adventurers,
many have stepped down the dark path of
Evil, and attack travellers for their
treasure, or for their own pleasure.
Mages - Embittered by years of gruelling study at
some thaumaturgical university, the mage
who has decided to forego sensibility and
become an adventurer is indeed putting his
formidable skills in the Magical Arts to
unorthodox use. Most mages typically settle
down, establish laboratories, guilds, or
medical establishments.
Guards - Keepers of the peace and justice as interpreted by
the local monarch, or whoever fills their purses,
these warriors tend to be well-trained and taciturn.
The wealthier cities will hire guards of Sparadan
stock, who are incorruptible and possess a
discipline unrivaled by those of other kingdoms.
Merchants - Ah, the heart of nearly every civilized state - the
bourgeoisie! Ranging from simple peddlers to world-famous
financial entrepreneurs, it is the financially active
middle class that serves as the lifeblood of the more
politically advanced kingdoms.
Peasants - The mainstream populace of many cities and towns is
comprised primarily of these hardworking souls, ranging
from the prosperous small farmers of rural Ontego to the
impoverished serfs of feudal Golforham. Typically
agriculturally-oriented, peasants will often supply a
friendly adventurer with valuable information not
gleanable from other sources.
Thieves - Sometimes harmless village idiots, sometimes devious
tricksters who pickpocket the elderly and deranged,
sometimes warlike brigands who roam the countryside
in search of prey, thieves are viewed by most others
in the same sphere of preference as some of the more
deforming pestilences, and oftentimes city guards will
amuse themselves devising pretexts upon which they can
hunt down a lone thief and bathe him in his own blood.
(This auspicious event is less commonplace than one
would think, owing to the typical intelligence of guards,
and their resulting inability to formulate any such
schemes.)
Nobles - Be they the powerful, landed aristocracy of Golforham,
or the powerless, incompetent slobs of the old
Dierian provinces, nobles of all kingdoms share a common
set of distinguishable personality traits: overwhelming
arrogance, sneering aloofness, nigh-obsessive materialism,
and a patronizing contempt for anyone of lesser birth.
In the more advanced kingdoms, these hereditary
bluebloods have little or no influence upon governmental
affairs, but in almost all cases are descended from
ancient lineages of dominating lords or semikings. Most
find condescension a fine substitute for the intelligence
that years of inbreeding has robbed the majority of this
ilk, and amuse themselves with their fantastic wealth.
Nobles are generally deemed, particularly in times of
war or famine, an expendable part of society, and often
serve as scapegoats during peasant uprisings. The richer
nobles maintain luxurious manors, often with private
armies (typically comprised of orcish mercenaries).
Officials - Bureaucrats, diplomats, and other such governmental
white-helmet workers all fall under this broad category.
The actual involvement of a given class of officials
depends entirely upon the form of government under which
they work. Officials tend to have little knowledge of
local matters, but are usually familiar with the current
state of inter-kingdom relations and may have some
political wisdom to impart upon the inquisitive
adventurer.
Minstrels - Also called bards, troubadours, or less flattering names,
the musically inclined may glean great enjoyment from
listening to the tunes of these wandering musicians,
and the politer adventurer may throw a few coins into
the hat of a minstrel who imparts such harmonic delight.
As they tend to remain in a city only as long as it takes
the city officials to write a warrant for their arrest,
they move from kingdom to kingdom quite rapidly, and
accumulate much interesting knowledge in their journeys.
Kings - Some of the monarchs of the kingdoms of Zerg are wise,
and some are not. Some are compassionate and dedicate
themselves to the welfare of their nations, while
others think only to fill their pockets with everything
that will fit. Kings in general tend to be materialistic,
self-righteous, gluttonous pigs, but there is a smattering
of intelligence amongst the bluebloods, and the wise
adventurer is advised to seek an audience with his
local monarch.
PART SIX: KINGDOM PROFILES
Since the more courageous adventurer will not restrict his exploits to any
one kingdom, we present here an abbreviated list of some of the more important
kingdoms, and a smattering of their history. All population data is from the
8721 Census, whose accuracy has been questioned upon many an occasion. The
"minority" field is a percentage of non-human humanoids known to reside in
the kingdom. "Ruler", where appropriate, will list the principal figure of
governmental power. "Income" is the average yearly per capita in gold pieces
among the working class and farmers (if any exist).
Name: Dieria
Ruler: Lord Greenham Yiddish
Government: Disrepresentative idiocracy
Population: 2,234,926
Minority: 15 %
Size: 215 l.
Income: 124 gp.
Post-revolutionary Dieria has rapidly replaced Jeria as the economic hub
and trade center of Zerg. Extremely small in size, Dieria is a small island in
the midst of the Northeast Sea and strategically placed in proximity to many
other of the large nations. The Dierian island capital, Scumford, is bustling
with merchants, sailors, free traders, and other such worldly persons.
Dieria's history is one of an ongoing conflict between the middle class
free-traders, and the imperialistic nobles of the older Northern Provinces.
For hundreds of years, the nation's economy sagged due to the unwillingness
of the nobility to pay any taxes or relinquish their feudal dues and priv-
eleges, and Dieria was an incessant target for invasion by other nations
(from 7923 to 8103 Dieria was a territory of Sparadan). With the death of
the last of the noble-dominated Araesius line of kings, the Derian trader
Jermias Denchri led peasants and middle-class into the Revolution of 8644,
and established the country's current form of government. With the collapse
of Jeria in 8457, Dieria rose to power as the leading trade center of
Zerg, and remains the most prosperous, wealthy kingdom in the world.
Dieria today is theoretically ruled by a body of officials representing
the various Provinces and the vestigial remainder of the noble lineage,
but in reality power hails from Scumford, not Ardon, where an assembly of
the nation's most wealthy merchants decides social and political policy
for the nation on a yearly basis. Internal development and infrastructure is
under the auspices of various wealthy merchant lords, and generally is more
efficient and expedient than most conventional governments. Uprisings or
internal strife are very rare, and usually controlled by private armies and
organizations. While there is then an extremely weak official central
government, national stability tends to remain extremely high.
Laissez-faire (an obscure Elvish term meaning "let it be") is the law
of the land in Dieria. The official government was deliberately constructed
by the middle class of the Revolution to be weak and inefficient, and not
to obstruct free trade. There are thus not only no tariffs or duties on
imports and exports, but no taxes whatsoever, facts that helped Dieria
skyrocket to its present position of center of commerce. Traders and
merchants of all sizes, kinds, and creeds reside in Scumford, and a man
make amass a fortune or lose his life's savings within hours in the
frenzied interactions. A merchant who knows his business can easily
rake incredible profits on a brief trip to Dieria. One of the reasons
that political conflict among merchants is so rare is because they are
loathe to take their attentions away from business for more than a few
weeks, and that any gain won through such an altercation would hardly
rival that gleaned from the same amount of time spent on trading. This fact
has saved post-Revolutionary Dieria from military conquest time and time
again -- invading armies usually disband to sell their arms and armor
for unimaginable profits, then return to their homeland to fetch more. Thus
are most visitors to Dieria absorbed in the thriving economy.
The rural Southern Provinces on the mainland are generally occupied
by small, land-owning farmers who make a comfortable living supplying Scumford
and the other large cities with their produce.
NOTE: The rest of this document was accidentally obliterated during an
office party in which the remaining forty pages were accidentally
used to clean the vomit of one of the intoxicated senior Editors.
We apologize for the inconvenience and promise the return of the
missing portion by the next printing of this document.
- The Zerg Tourists Guild
Printing Press